BED BUG MILITIA TARGETS CNN
NEW YORK – Bedbugs in New York have formed a militia and are targeting CNN.
CNN has alerted all its employees about bed bugs that seem to be targeting CNN and their employees. The bed bugs were originally found in the Time Warner Center in New York City, but they have also been found in CNN offices in Atlanta and New York City.
Bed Bugs normally do not carry disease, but these bed bugs seem to affect news gathering, news reporting and news commentary. CNN has known of the problem for months, but they just released the information to the public.
Bed Bug attacks leave the victim babbling incoherently, searching for words and causing temporary brain seizures. The seizures supposedly cause temporary moron-itis.
For some reason, the bed bugs have not attacked Larry King at all. When asked what he thought about this, King said, “Hello, Milwaukee!”
The bed bug attack has baffled Pest Control Specialists. Tom Hillstrom, a bed bug exterminator told WWN, “I’ve never seen this before in my twenty years of killing pests. These bed bugs formed an army and are going right after CNN employees. Something ain’t right. But I’ll find out.” Hillstrom later entered CNN offices… and has not been seen since. Was he another victim of the Bed Bug Militia?
There’s rampant speculation that these are not just ordinary bed bugs. CNN president, Jon Klein, said “these are genetically engineered bed bugs, that also have a robotic component.” Asked how would create such pests, Klein simply answered, “Roger Ailes.”
After the disappearance of Jon Klein, the rest of CNN employees have join the chorus of voices blaming Fox News for the bed bug attack. “Ridiculous,” said Roger Ailes. “CNN is looking for any reason to explain away their terrible ratings. This bed bug conspiracy is a joke.” WWN did later find two boxes labeled, “BB Militia” in Ailes car. Ailes later said the BB stood for “Bill and Beck.”
Fox News has used other pests to take down CNN: Beck, Hannity and O’Reilly.
MSNBC employees are also blaming these bed bugs for their dismal ratings, though there have been no sightings of bed bugs in any MSNBC office, anywhere.
Anderson Cooper and Rick Sanchez are currently in the hospital with Bedbugoria. They are expected to be released in the next few days, and should be back to full strength, though CNN’s ratings may never fully recover.